Happy Birthday to Alexa! The best thing to come out of Ohio EVER.

And a Happy Independence Day to everyone else. Independence day is BY FAR my least favorite holiday because it includes 1) being outside 2) no presents 3) FIREWORKS. Fucking fireworks. If I can somehow manage to avoid them it should be a pretty good weekend.

Everyone, try not to lose any fingers! And don’t set off your fireworks naked. Well, if you do please vlog that.

Would you rather

Be featured on a billboard in your hometown warning against STDs?

or

Be featured in a girls/guys gone wild commercial only shown late at night, but nationwide?

Ugh, life is hard–and by life I mean Monday through Friday. My weekend was amazing, but my feet are covered in blisters. From this fact alone you can narrow my activities down to a) acting out the scene from The Office where Michael challenges everyone to walk on hot coals, b) going all annie lennox (walking on, walking on, broken glassss!), c) spending the weekend in NYC.

If you don’t feel like reading a recap go ahead and check out cavy’s all-picture, much more interesting post here.

Dude, New York, you are really big and impressive (that’s what she said). Even though I’m in a lot of pain, it was a hell of a weekend. I had the most amazing time visiting with Cavy and her high school friend Ness who is super duper awesome.

-The Bolt Bus sucks. We were HOURS late getting to NYC. That’s all I have to say about the trip there.

- Cavy and Ness met me in the pouring rain and we went around the corner for Chinese food which hit the spot. Once I had recovered from the scary bus trip we took a cab ride to Pinkberry and tried their new flavor Passion Fruit. It was delicious and free–win win.

- We sought out a liquor store and on the way back to Cavy’s apartment, and we stopped to look at the most adorable puppies. Then I twit pic’d dog poop for Lemmonex because I’m a good friend (not).

- The three of us somehow devoured a fifth of vodka and sunkist in a few hours while we watched the sunset from Cavy’s rooftop. Her apartment has the most amazing view of Times Square. After the alcohol soaked in we decided to have a dance/singing party. Not long after we got kicked off the roof by the security guards. We had intentions to watch Borat, so we ran around the corner and got some highly over priced beer and mike’s hard lemonade (what up high school!), but we went to bed before we could get into anything else.

- We somehow evaded hangovers and went to S’Mac for lunch. MOST AMAZING MEAL EVER. All they serve is Macaroni and Cheese and it’s fucking delicious. I’m all for trying new restaurants, but if I ever go back to NYC I will demand we visit there again.

- After hitting a few shops we took the ferry to Liberty Island and Ellis Island for a little dose of touristy stuff. I have a message for Liberty Island: AIR CONDITION YOUR BATHROOMS. I have never felt so disgusting. We all felt like our feet were going to fall off and just when we were taking a breather from all the walking it started to rain and we had to run to the subway.

- We cleaned ourselves up for dinner and went to Breeze for my first Pad Thai experience. They have a great prix fix menu and the food is quite tasty. Two thumbs up. We thought we were going to die of death, but then they started playing some Michael Jackson music that pumped us up. I’m not sure if they were just confused, but to the people at Breeze: Michael Jackson has more songs than the 3 you were playing. Although I do love The Free Willey Song, I didn’t need to hear it 4 times in an hour and a half. Who am I kidding. I loved every minute of it.

- What was even better than the food was the bar at Breeze. We had the most amazing bartender who kept our drinks filled (holy drink specials– I didn’t know you could get a drink for $5 in New York) and the shots coming. The lovely Ashley met up with us at the bar–she is wonderful and everyone should be jealous because I got to hang out with her. At the end of the night we convinced our bartender to put our drinks in to-go soup cups and he did because we’re awesome and very persuasive. More roof drinking commenced and at the end of the night we sent Ashley home with a to-go container of raspberry beer. I think we have started a new trend.

- Sunday we woke up and got lunch at the Stardust Diner which I think is a little overpriced for the quality of the food, but it’s worth a visit for entertainment value. All of the wait staff sing and dance. A little much for a morning after drinking, but after we got food in our bellies it was quite enjoyable. Ashley met us again along with two of Ness and Cavy’s friends from home.

- We walked to Central Park to relax for a bit, but unfortunately we didn’t get to spend much time because I had a bus to catch.

My feet hurt just from writing this. Ugh.

Don’t forget the pics

As LiLu would say, Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell,bout someone else’s!

I’m not really into tooting my own horn (lie), but one thing I will say about myself is I am a pretty nice person. Don’t get me wrong, for the sake of comedic effect I can be kinds of evil, but generally I like to be sweet and kind. Today I’m going to tell you the story of the meanest thing  that I’ve ever done.

In 9th grade I was dating this freak show named Rob. We started dating during the summer soccer season and feel madly in love in lust. When the school year started back up I got a rude awakening– Rob was a goth. I know that I may look like an idiot for not realizing that earlier, but everyone looks the same in a soccer uniform.

You see, this was just NOT going to work. I was more on the Ralph Lauren and Abercrombie & Fitch (LFO, call me) side of things. And as many of you probably remember, in high school it was all about appearances. So I did a bad thing– I hid him from the world, or at least my world of friends. We would hide out in his english teacher’s room every day at lunch under the guise of researching things for the school newspaper. Really all he did was look at websites about The Crow. Creepy.

Our super secret lunch plans would benefit me in some other ways too. Having the class room alone was the perfect place to hook up. Every day we’d get into the supply closet and go at it. Since I was 14 at the time we didn’t go all the way. Basically he’d do some hand work on me and then I’d give him a blowjay.

Except I had no fucking clue what I was doing. Like a true gentleman he would give me the whole “omg, I’m almost there” warning…

and I would stop.

I guess he didn’t have the heart to tell me that I was supposed to finish him off, and for the 6 months we dated I did that too him every day. Poor guy, he must have had the worst case of blue balls in the whole world. Now I understand why he would always go jack off into a piece of printing paper after we were done.

I almost feel bad for telling the whole school that his pubes smelled like a gorilla.

Almost.

Would you rather

have no teeth?

things to consider: no, you cannot get dentures/veneers

or

be subjected to 19th century dental techniques at every yearly visit?

Things to consider: yes, you have to go every year.

Check out LiLu’s WYRW question today here.

I love you guys. I don’t say it enough.  I’ve met so many great people through this blogging community and yesterday when I saw the news coverage of the metro accident my heart stopped. I ran upstairs to get on my computer. Luckily I was able to get in touch with many of you or at least see who’d been on twitter after the accident occurred. I’m so glad you’re all okay. I can’t say it enough. Don’t fucking die on me, okay? Promise?

via my favorite Tumblr, superbaaaarbs. If I could get that heart as a tattoo I would.

A few other things that i’m loving:

Cavy posted this on her site yesterday, but it’s too amazing not to steal. The site Snacks and Shit posts funny rap lyrics with a witty analysis. It’s pretty fucking excellent. Who doesn’t love a good infant shittin’?

_________________

Some highlights from TFLN:

(916): Best porno line to date….”drinks are on me…” while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice

and

(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

_________________

One of my favorite sites is Spotted: DC Summer Interns. Here are two funny entries I read this morning; one is about killing babies and the other is about a very serious game of baseball.

_________________

Why didn’t I think of this? Last week Perez Hilton posted about new vending machines that dispense flats for about 8 dollars. You can wear your heels out to the club and then buy a cheap pair of the flats to walk home in. As he would say, amazeballs.

_________________

Last, but not least, RS27 made me cry with this post about his relationship with his dad and I want everyone to be as sad as I am so go read it.

you know you had a good weekend when…
-you have to look at your pictures to remember what you did.
-you almost forget that your blosse (blog + posse) was groped by 3 lesbians while leaving adams morgan.  wait, what?
-you’re still too out of it to post anything but bullet points on monday morning.

• one of my favorite people in the whole world, caviandra, visited DC and made my life complete.
• saw Judah Friedlander at DC Improv with LiLu and B. It was my first comedy show and I fucking loved it. Judah was hilarious along with host (Sean Gabbert) and the feature. Bought awesome hats that say “world champion” in Spanish. cavy and I wore them all weekend. Got schooled by B (LiLu’s boyfriend) on the art of the kissy face in photos.

• met up with fabulous bloggers (lemmonex, deutlich, franco beans, vittoria) at Big Hunt and took way too many shots of tequila followed by delicious empanadas.
• woke up saturday and watched step up 2 with LiLu and cavy. had a dance off that led to LiLu spinning an air mattress on her head. unfortunately the camera malfunctioned while recording that part, but I promise it was excellent.
• went to old dominion brewhouse for burgers. got there before they were even open because we were so in need of grease.
• met up with lemmonex for more alcohol (at fado) and cupcakes (provided by lemmonex from hello cupcake. so friggin good) followed by seeing Year One. Can we note that on the way from the bar to the movie we were serenaded by some gospel tunes… KARMA. Year One was not a good movie, but it had a few redeeming moments. Like when jack black ATE A TURD. Michael Cera was funny.  Paul Rudd was delicious (as always), but only in the movie for like 3 seconds.
• Went back to LiLu’s with all intentions of taking a nap, but instead watched Under the Tuscan Sun and professed our love for Diane Lane and her never-aging self.
• Tried to record a video. failed MISERABLY. We should never try rapping again. And by never I mean always.
• Went to Bourbon in Adams Morgan. Almost left because they were playing fucking jazz music and I HATE JAZZ MUSIC. Luckily we stuck it out because it turned out to be one of the best nights ever. Pithy and her crew came out to celebrate her 30th birthday along with too many wonderful people to link.
• Tried to hale a cab– big fucking fail. Decided to get Jumbo Slice and somewhere in between got groped by lesbians. Got back to LiLu’s and fought over which movie to watch (cavy: Center Stage 2, me: Hitch). Somehow Coyote Ugly ended up on the TV.
• Woke up Sunday morning and met Lemmonex at Matchbox for brunch which turned into us getting the most fabulous mini-burgers. Matchbox has the prettiest staff in all of dc. (pretty guys i mean) Was again assaulted by fucking jazz music again. Why does it haunt me everywhere I go?! (although we find out that the matchbox in chinatown does 80’s brunch on Saturdays. must. go. soon.)
• Intended to leave DC early, but changed plans and saw The Proposal which was super cute. Ryan Reynolds is fucking gorgeous.
• Went back to LiLu’s and watched He’s Just Not That Into You. HORRIBLE MOVIE. Made me hate being a girl and thank my lucky stars that I’m not a psycho like everyone in that movie.
• Dropped cavy off at the bus stop. Spent $11 at starbucks to be completely underwhelmed by both my drink and sandwich.
• Metro’d it back home and died of death.

I’m gonna go crawl under my desk and take a nap now. Have a great monday. For photographic proof of how cool we are check out LiLu’s post here.

I love free stuff.

I mean who doesn’t. There are only a few things I’d turn down if they were free: snakes, spiders, STDs, toe jam, southern comfort, shots of sweat… okay, maybe there are more than a few. But one thing I’d never turn down is free clothes. That’s why I was super stoked when Justine from Brand About Town came all the way out to BFE to meet with me about being a Gap Enthusiast.

I’m gonna be honest, I haven’t been to the gap in a while. It’s not that I dislike the gap, but two things have gotten in my way: 1) It’s kind of expensive for my Target/Forever 21 budget and 2) It’s all the way on the other side of the mall from where I park.  I’m lazy.

After talking to Justine for a while we trekked down to The Gap to get my free stuff. Umm..The Gap is kind of awesome.

If you’ve ever hung out with me I guarantee I’ve been wearing jeans (or I was naked. Whatevs). I’m just comfortable in jeans. I wear jeans to work. I wear jeans to church. (that’s a lie, I don’t go to church). I wear jeans to bed (when I pass out). But at The Gap I actually found A DRESS that I like. I’m wearing it today and I wore shorts under it so I don’t have to sit like a lady. I also found 8 billion cute tanks and shirts. Point: If you like bright colors you should check out the gap. It’s less expensive than you think. (sidenote- they have great jeans, but I already knew that, so not so shocking)

But believe it or not, the clothes weren’t even the best part of the deal. The best part was how Justine kept saying I was “influential”. Girl knows the way to my heart.

With that in mind, I’d like to influence you to do a few things… (wow, that segue was great)

1. Look at my right sidebar. Up at the top. YOU CAN BE MY FRIEND. DO IT RIGHT NOW. I’m not even kidding. I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t. that’s a lie. I won’t kill you (unless you’re a certain DC blogger that I’m actually going to kill…) Big ups to PQ for setting that shiz up for me.

2. Go here and vote for Alexa Marinos as Sexiest Local Celebrity and clevelandsaplum.com for best local blog. You can leave the rest of them blank if you don’t know anything about cleveland. I swear it will take you 2 seconds.

3. Watch this. You can’t expect me to write about The Gap without posting this:

Yea, that’s all I got. Have a good weekend. I have tomorrow off for West Virginia Day. God, it’s great to be me.

Oh wait! One more thing. Burned But Not Broken did a disgusting/awesome WYRW yesterday. Check that shiz out.

While drinking with some of my DC faves last Friday we developed this disgusting summer/bar themed question.

Would you rather…

drink a shot of a stranger’s sweat?

or

drink a shot drained from the bar rail mat at the end of the night?

(My favorite ex-bartender LiLu tells me that bartenders call this shot “leftovers”)

p.s. Burned But Not Broken played along this week and posted a question that made me CRINGE like crazy. Check it out.

There are so many days I want to commit blog suicide. You know, just pull the fucking plug on this shit. I even know how I’d do it. I’d just post the video for Blaze of Glory and write something poignant like “peace out, bitches!”

Yesterday was one of those days. I’m not going to go into the deets because part of me feels like a 5 year old for writing this anyway, but I just wanna put it out there: I do not lie on this blog.

In my last 2 years of blogging I have lied twice. Twice out of 500 posts and both of the lies were tiny and made the story LESS ridiculous than it was in real life. One time was to protect someone’s anonymity and the other was because I didn’t really want someone I know finding my blog and knowing I slept with my ex boss and his girlfriend (former job). Guess the cat’s out of the bag now, though.

I drink too much. I do stupid things. Sometimes I go home with men I don’t know. Sometimes I have no idea what I did the night before.

But I don’t feel bad about it. Maybe that’s because I have no moral backbone or maybe it’s because I just believe in enjoying my life and not worrying about the rest, but it’s what makes me who I am.

And that’s what makes this blog as ridiculous as it is.

I’ll lie to your face before I’ll lie on this blog.

It’s fine if you don’t like me. It’s fine if you don’t like this blog. But I’m not a liar.

So fuck you and the horse you came in on.

I have no idea what that means.