(i found that picture when i googled “boston”. i used it because i thought it was sexy. go with it)

DO YOU LIVE IN BOSTON?

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A WILD CRAZY TIME?

(I don’t even know. Just ignore me.)

I will be in boston on Friday, March 12, 2010 and I would love to do a bar night/happy hour/strip club adventure/night in the drunk tank with all of you. I’m visiting Jenn with Cavy and I feel like the New England is previously unconquered territory for me. We must fix that. So if you are free that night and are interested in doing a blogger happy hour shoot me an email at ihatesomuch(at)gmail(dot)com or leave a comment here. or send a smoke signal. i don’t fucking care.

I promise it will be the bees knees.

I have a sneaky suspicion that there is someone new reading my blog.

Is it sneaking or sneaky? or stinky. something smells funny up in this place.

Anyway, I have some kind of s-suspicion that my lovely mother has found this blog, or if she hasn’t, she knows about it, and it’s fast approaching.

Mom, when you find this, this is what you need to know.

This blog is, like, 99% fiction.

I’m totally a virgin.

The only time I’ve ever consumed alcohol in excess is that time that you had to drive to the next town over to pick me up because I was too drunk to drive myself.

I would never, ever walk home alone.

I save at least 50% of my paycheck, and rarely blow any money on booze, target, or fun.

Although LiLu and I are married, I am not a lesbian.*

Whether you believe any of the stuff above, know this…

I’ve met the BEST people through blogging. THE. ABSOLUTE. BEST.

I haven’t been murdered by any strangers (yet).

I found a job through this network of awesome friends.

and those awesome people I’ve met? A few of them are responsible for me being really, really happy.

So high five, blogging. And high five, mom.

You both rock.

Now stop reading my blog, please.

*Seriously. LiLu and I are only married through cat love.

What: Kickass DC Blogger/Twitterer (i refused to say tweeter)/Stalker Happy Hour

When: Tonight, February 19, 2010, 6 PM

Where: Vapiano at 18th and M

Why: Because it will be awesome

Who: Hosted by LiLu, Brad, and me

How: I dont fucking know how. Hitchhike. Don’t ask me so many questions. I’m very hungover right now

Would you rather…

Never have an even remotely warm shower/bath again.

Or

Give up napping.

Things to consider:

You cannot bathe in a pool. Napping equals sleeping any time you wouldn’t normally be doing so (depending on your sleep schedule obvy)

don’t expect me to keep track of days right now. Since LAST Thursday, I’ve been out of my apartment for a total of 2 hours. I’m not even sure who I am anymore. I also haven’t had any caffeine since monday. THIS IS HORRIBLE. Moving on…

The other day I was over at boston barstool sports looking for more chat roulette gems (cause they’re the funniest thing EVER) when I found this. Too lazy to click? Basically a woman got surgery, they fucked her up, and now she vomits shit 3 times a week.

Yep, actual feces.

They just settled her lawsuit and she got 7 million dollars.

Now, I think we can all agree that $7 mill is not anywhere near enough money to make up for throwing up actual feces 3 times a week for the rest of your life, but is there a price you can put on that?

Today’s question…

Would you agree to throw up actual feces (like instead of pooping it) 3 times a week for the rest of your life for 500 million dollars?

Would you agree to throw up actual feces (like instead of pooping it) every day a month for 150 million dollars?

Things to consider: No matter how much money you have, you cannot get someone to fix the problem. Also, for the sake of the game, lets pretend that you know what time the throwing up is going to happen.

Discuss.

note: you can answer yes or no for both questions.

• does adidas (the shoe company) know that it’s initials spell out “all day i dream about sex”? Did they pick that name because of that? because if so they are WAY COOL in my book right now. still doesn’t excuse wearing trackpants to work though. or to a bar (MATT)
• how do hookers rent hotel rooms? What if they have an appointment at, say, 12 noon. that’s right in the middle of the changeover of customers. And I’ve learned from TV that they don’t just stay in skeezy hotels that charge by the hour. Do the customers just pay for both days? THIS IS DRIVING ME NUTS.
• was d’angelo naked when he filmed this video? or was he wearing a sock? or was it tucked? I NEED ANSWERS.
  
  D’Angelo – Untitled (How Does It Feel)
  

Seriously. Someone help me out. Why isn’t this shit on yahoo answers?

alternately titled: i am a fucking genius.

I am about to ROCK YOUR WORLD.

Remember the days when you could chug boxed wine with the best of them and not care about what it tasted like?

Oh, you never chugged boxed wine?

THEN WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

The only other acceptable answer is that you are STILL chugging boxed wine, and in that case we should probaby get married asap. Sorry, LiLu. you know i’m into polygamy. and bestiality. nevermind, that’s neither here nor there.

Do you like the the raspberry deliciousness that is the miracle drug emergen-c? It cures everything! common cold, sars, flu, hangover, AIDS… wait, what?

Anyway. It’s delicious. And although boxed wine isn’t horrible (shhhh, let me live my life), it’s not GREAT.

BUT if you combine the two you have MAGIC.

And this is the kind of shit you find out when you’ve been trapped in your house watching the local fox news coverage for over 48 hours.

You’re welcome.

update: I wrote this on sunday and now I have a cold. the world is laughing at me.

So the DC happy hour has been postponed.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I know, I know. There’s not much that can keep me from alcohol, but since I still don’t own a pair of snow boots it’s probably better that I just stay in my apartment lair for the weekend.

I have about a month’s worth of frozen food, so if things get really bad I’m good to go. Party at my place?

Happy Hour is rescheduled for February 19th. Same time (6pm). Same place (Vapiano in Dupont). Same plan (you buying me tequila shots. me getting wasted)

Be there or be sober.

now excuse me while i go to the liquor store to get a box of wine before the city shuts down.

*credit to @rickallen for the excellent twitter hashtag

snokkake = snow + bukkake = HAHAHAHA

I’ve had the same car since I was 16.

2000 Ford Escort zx2. BALLER, I know.

As you can imagine, bare ass has touched just about every surface possible. Actually that’s kind of disgusting. Anyway.

When I got the car it it seemed pretty pimpin’. And it’s a 5-speed so it is drives just like a race car, as you can imagine.

Back then, my friends and I would drive around town blaring music like akinyele’s “put it in my mouth” or nas’ “oochy wallie” as loud as the volume would go. Within a few months of having the car I’d totally busted the speakers. They still worked, but the bass didn’t bump like it did when I first got the car.

Flash forward to now. Today while I was driving home  one of my favorite songs came on the radio. (Keri Hilson – Slow Dance FYI) I was in a great mood because it’s the weekend and all of a sudden I felt reminiscent of those days when I was drinking mikes hard lemonade on my roof instead of dropping 150 bucks at the grocery store.  I turned the music up LOUD and started to sing along, feeling pretty damn good about my life. After the song was over I reached to turn down the volume because the noise was fucking killing me. That’s when the volume knob caught my eye; that piercing music that I had to turn down right after the song was over? Yea, it wasn’t even halfway to the max.

When did I get so fucking old?

Little bit of of a change up today. Would you Wednesday instead of a WYR.

Pick the person you’d have sex with if you could do it with anyone in the whole world- guilt free, no consequences, no one would ever find out (unless you wanted them to). Got them in mind? Okay, good.

The scenario: You get to have sex with them, but there are a few conditions.

1. It has to be a part of a threesome.
2. You have to have sex with the other person too.
3. The other person is not at all attractive.
4. They are of the opposite gender than what you normally prefer.

Would you do it?

I would. For Channing Tatum’s body I would have sex with almost any girl in the world.

Feel free to tell who your one person is along with your answer.

Who’s surprised I didn’t pick Lil Wayne?

Check out my lover LiLu’s WYRW this week.

—

In other news, fellow 20sber Phampants is campaigning to be part of the 2010 ford fiesta team. Want to know more? He made the video below to show them why he and his friend Karen are the best fit for the job. Check it out below. Come on, Ford! Pick John and Karen!