alternately titled: i am a fucking genius.

I am about to ROCK YOUR WORLD.

Remember the days when you could chug boxed wine with the best of them and not care about what it tasted like?

Oh, you never chugged boxed wine?

THEN WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

The only other acceptable answer is that you are STILL chugging boxed wine, and in that case we should probaby get married asap. Sorry, LiLu. you know i’m into polygamy. and bestiality. nevermind, that’s neither here nor there.

Do you like the the raspberry deliciousness that is the miracle drug emergen-c? It cures everything! common cold, sars, flu, hangover, AIDS… wait, what?

Anyway. It’s delicious. And although boxed wine isn’t horrible (shhhh, let me live my life), it’s not GREAT.

BUT if you combine the two you have MAGIC.

And this is the kind of shit you find out when you’ve been trapped in your house watching the local fox news coverage for over 48 hours.

You’re welcome.

update: I wrote this on sunday and now I have a cold. the world is laughing at me.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I know, I know. There’s not much that can keep me from alcohol, but since I still don’t own a pair of snow boots it’s probably better that I just stay in my apartment lair for the weekend.

I have about a month’s worth of frozen food, so if things get really bad I’m good to go. Party at my place?

Happy Hour is rescheduled for February 19th. Same time (6pm). Same place (Vapiano in Dupont). Same plan (you buying me tequila shots. me getting wasted)

Be there or be sober.

now excuse me while i go to the liquor store to get a box of wine before the city shuts down.

*credit to @rickallen for the excellent twitter hashtag

snokkake = snow + bukkake = HAHAHAHA

I’ve had the same car since I was 16.

2000 Ford Escort zx2. BALLER, I know.

As you can imagine, bare ass has touched just about every surface possible. Actually that’s kind of disgusting. Anyway.

When I got the car it it seemed pretty pimpin’. And it’s a 5-speed so it is drives just like a race car, as you can imagine.

Back then, my friends and I would drive around town blaring music like akinyele’s “put it in my mouth” or nas’ “oochy wallie” as loud as the volume would go. Within a few months of having the car I’d totally busted the speakers. They still worked, but the bass didn’t bump like it did when I first got the car.

Flash forward to now. Today while I was driving home  one of my favorite songs came on the radio. (Keri Hilson – Slow Dance FYI) I was in a great mood because it’s the weekend and all of a sudden I felt reminiscent of those days when I was drinking mikes hard lemonade on my roof instead of dropping 150 bucks at the grocery store.  I turned the music up LOUD and started to sing along, feeling pretty damn good about my life. After the song was over I reached to turn down the volume because the noise was fucking killing me. That’s when the volume knob caught my eye; that piercing music that I had to turn down right after the song was over? Yea, it wasn’t even halfway to the max.

When did I get so fucking old?

Pick the person you’d have sex with if you could do it with anyone in the whole world- guilt free, no consequences, no one would ever find out (unless you wanted them to). Got them in mind? Okay, good.

The scenario: You get to have sex with them, but there are a few conditions.

1. It has to be a part of a threesome.
2. You have to have sex with the other person too.
3. The other person is not at all attractive.
4. They are of the opposite gender than what you normally prefer.

Would you do it?

I would. For Channing Tatum’s body I would have sex with almost any girl in the world.

Feel free to tell who your one person is along with your answer.

Who’s surprised I didn’t pick Lil Wayne?

Check out my lover LiLu’s WYRW this week.

—

In other news, fellow 20sber Phampants is campaigning to be part of the 2010 ford fiesta team. Want to know more? He made the video below to show them why he and his friend Karen are the best fit for the job. Check it out below. Come on, Ford! Pick John and Karen!

At this very moment I’m sitting on my bed, wearing a red (DELUXE) snuggie, drinking a 2-day old diet coke, and eating a dinner of cold black beans straight from the can. Of course my BFF, my laptop, is perched on my lap as always. Did I mention I sleep with it? And you think I’m joking.

Only after finishing said can of cold beans do I realize that I just consumed 72% of the suggested salt intake for a day, so that’s awesome.

There’s a heating pad atop my leopard sheets because this weekend my space heater decided to explode, somehow not burning down my apartment. And yes, there is a cat snuggled up at the foot of this bed.

The other day I went to the grocery store after work and bought 2 lean cuisine meals and a bag of cat food. I can’t even describe the look on the cashier’s face.

The thing that’s bothering me most at this very moment is not the healthcare crisis nor haiti, but how Eminem, Lil Wayne, and Drake can’t learn to keep their potty mouths clean for 6 minutes during the grammys so people can actually enjoy the performance. (like I’m one to talk…)

But for the record, I don’t know if the Grammy organizers somehow crawled up into my brain and asked the part in charge of bangtown what it would most like to see, but this display of rapping is pretty close. Except no one is naked.

Yep. I guess that pretty much sums up my life right now.

Excuse me while I go watch 8 Mile for the 200th time.

target patent leather flats are not the most practical shoes to wear when this is going on outside:

oh well, at least I ended up in the right house this time.

Join LiLu, Brad, and me at the Vapiano at 18th and M for an awesome DC Blogger (and stalker) Happy Hour. February 5th at 6 pm till whenever we get drunk enough to go to the the strip club. You think I’m kidding? That actually happened after one of the dc blogger happy hours.

Come enjoy. It could turn out to be a night you’ll never forget. (but one I’ll never remember. lets be honest; I’ll be wasted)

Also, today is your last chance to win the Texts From Last Night book! Click here!

back to our regularly scheduled programming.

_________________

alternately titled: why you don’t want to be my mom, volume II

click here for volume I.

So remember that time that I left my mom’s email address in an email to moooooog35 and he was a (funny) asshole and sent her a ridiculous letter?

well, my mom was really lame about it.

after he sent it there was radio silence for about 5 hours. I decided I needed to tell my mom that he wasn’t an axe murderer and this is what I received an hour or so later…

Well, Mr. Moooooog must have a vivid imagination.   Apparently he has a hair lip and 4 children with sealed (juvenile) records.  The four foster moms was a good touch, too.    I haven’t answered him yet…

Not totally awesome or anything, but I thought it had promise. My mom isn’t really the “funny” type, but I thought she might ask him some ridiculous questions and take one for the (blog) team.

But nope, this is what she sent him:

It’s so nice to hear from Maxie’s interesting friends….

Maxie told me to expect an email from you…I just read it….

REALLY, MOM?? THATS ALL?

Color me disappointed.

Although I do have one tidbit to share from the whole ordeal… our phone conversation that night:

mom (referring to the scott brown reference in the email): Are you in love with Chris Brown? Like the singer? Didn’t he hit girlfriend?

me: Scott Brown. The new senator from Massachusetts that won Kennedy’s seat,

mom: Oh, nothing to worry about there. You’d never date a republican.

She knows me so well.

‘Would you rather…

spend the rest of your life with someone that you love, but doesn’t return your affection wholeheartedly?

or

someone who loves you, but that you only like as a friend?

textsfromlastnight.com features funny/ridiculous texts that people would rather not remember sending (unless you’re me. then you’re just proud). The creators of the site have just published a book called Texts From Last Night: All the Texts No One Remembers Sending and it includes even more gems.

I was lucky enough to get a preview of the book and, let me tell you, it is fucking funny. I know y’all are probably thinking you get enough hilarity from the website, but there are some new ones in the book that cracked me the hell up.

My faves:

• (203) I woke up this morning and “The Wood” was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
• (313) Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water.
• (910) wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars. IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

If you want to read more of these shenanigans, you should probably go out and buy the book. Plus, don’t you want to support a 20sb  member’s blog now that it’s hit the big time? (yep, TFLN has been a member for quite some time. way before i’d ever heard of them!)

BUT WAIT! You don’t have any money in your bank account because all of your “blackout tabs” just hit your bank account? There is hope. I’m lucky enough to give away one copy of this hilarious book and I’ll make it very easy for you. You have 2 different chances to win:

1) Go to the site and pick a text you think is really fun and paste it in the comments here.

or EVEN BETTER:

2) Tell me a funny text you’ve sent/received that you think is worth of being on the site.

Leave these babies in separate comments and I’ll pick a random winner at COB on Friday.

Need some inspiration? Here are a few keepers I’ve submitted, but have never been featured. FOR SHAME:

• I just traded a blowjob for a ride home. I’m spending the night at the end of the metro line though, so totally worth it.
• I made the biggest mistake of my life last night. Someone asked me to try out the snuggie sutra and I said no.
• I smell like death and indian food.
• I want to get pregnant so I can know what it feels like to have a vacuum up my vag.

Yea, I went there.

Wait are you waiting for? Hurry up and enter!

On Thursday I was talking to Moooooog35 on gchat, and as usual I was complaining about something. This time it was how my mom always sends me the most annoying forwards. I will give her a little credit– she has cut back and has stopped sending the “God Bless Your Day” ones, but the cute animals ones are still flowing in like a first day period. (big ups to Janet Jackson for that one. I’m going to go vomit now)

I decided that mooog also needed to suffer, so I forwarded on a horrible collection of photos featuring a deer playing with a cat.

And I forgot to take my mom’s email address out of the message.

A few hours later he’d planted this in her inbox*.

Hi Mrs. M,

(I feel like I should call you ‘mom’)

You don’t know me, but I’ve been involved with your daughter for quite some time.  We’ve had a tumultuous on-again, off-again Internet relationship** which I would like to take to the next level.

Mating.

HA! Freudian slip.

I meant ‘dating.’

I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about her so I could get a ‘leg up’ – so to speak – on the competition (State Senators – especially Scott Brown now, that guy is a looker and I really can’t compete with him if I’m being perfectly honest with you. A man with a hairlip has a very rough road in this world).

1) Does Maxie have expensive tastes?

I need to know this because even though I have over $600 in my savings account, I’m not sure that will be enough to sustain a lavish lifestyle. I’m a simple man who enjoys long walks on the beach, pretzel rods and – on the rare occasion – marijuana if the street price is at an acceptable level.  Things have been crazy since Columbia started cracking down on the drug cartels.

Speaking of ‘cracking’ – I do NOT do crack. I have respectability and – obviously – an excellent spell-check program on my computer.

2) How does she feel about children?

I would like to have a family with Maxie someday. I feel she would be an excellent mother as I sense in her strong nurturing skills that I’m sure she got from you.

I know that when she says ‘I hate babies’ that it’s all just a joke, and I’m sure she’d welcome my other four children with open arms if I can ever get their records unsealed and find them.

I also need to know if polio runs in your family because I’d hate for our children to have to suffer.

3) Is your family accepting of minorities?

Just so it’s not a complete shock when I meet you, I have been told that I’m a fourth Mexican, a fourth White, and two-fourths of something else that I can’t really make out because they don’t really show the other guys’ faces in the video all that much – it was really all about my mom at the time.

Crazy 60’s, right?

I think that’s all I have for now.  If you wouldn’t mind keeping this between you and I, I would appreciate it because I really love your daughter and, God willing, she will love me as much as my four foster moms did but less mom-ish and more girlfriend-ish because, really, the mom-love-thing would be kinda creepy.

Thanks Mom!

Yours in Christ,

Moooooog35

______________

* he did clear the email with me before sending it, but still… fucking hilarious.

** 99% of this letter is complete bullshit, but especially this part about us being in an internet relationship. the “i hate babies” is the 1% that is true.