I rarely accomplish anything of substance.
I have fun – I drink - I hang out with my friends – I have fun drinking with my friends. You get the idea.
But this day–this day is a new day. Today I am setting real GOALS. Goals that I intend to accomplish before the end of the year. Goals that will make a real difference in my life* if I reach them. I know most goals are made on January 1st, but I’m a procrastinator and am only 10 months late.
1. Learn to moonwalk. – I need a party trick, people. My robot is getting old. Can you imagine the possibilities if I could GLIDE everywhere instead of walking?? It would be truly amazing. I imagine my moonwalking leading to other excellent dance moves like the worm and possibly headspins. You never know– the sky is the limit.
2. Get a T-Pain-esque microphone. You know the I Am T-Pain app for the iPhone? Well I’m pretty much a pro at it (lies). Okay, I’m actually pretty bad at “rapping” but if I had a t-pain microphone (also known as an autotune microphone**) then I’m sure that I’d be way better at singing/spitting some rhymes AND I’d probably get a record deal in a matter of months. Can you imagine how much better this blog would be if I had millions of dollars? It’d be party 24/7 around here.
3. Get 1000 twitter followers. I always need more people to listen to my dribble. I say hilarious things like “I’m having pizza for dinner!” and “I want a kitten!” You can follow me here. Slow down, slow down. Not everyone at once, please.
4. Learn how to use those sneakers that have built in wheels– what are they called? Wheelies? Shoesthatcauseinjuries? Last year I bought wheels that hook onto the outside of your sneakers, and you know how many times I’ve used them? ZERO. If I could learn how to moonwalk AND skate– wow. I don’t even know if people could handle that level of awesome.
5. Buy a bottle of Patron. Look– I’m one of those people who adds things to their to-do list that they’ve already done JUST to mark something off. It gives me that tingly feeling. I haven’t purchased a bottle of Patron, but let’s say we get to the end of the year and I haven’t done any of these things, i’ll be able to at least accomplish something. Even if I have to sell handjobs in order to buy the bottle, it WILL happen. What’s the going rate for HJs these days, anyway?
*I hope you guys understand that these making a big difference in my life was a total joke. Except for the microphone, that would totally change my LIFE.
**If anyone has information where I can get an autotune microphone I will give you a first born. Not my first born. I’m against that whole getting pregnant thing, but I will steal a baby for YOU.
E.P. says:
You know, I don’t know anything about an autotone microphone (though it would be AMAZING), but I do know that a friend of mine taught himself to moonwalk. And I think he learned from a video…
There’s one on youtube. I am studying it like a book.
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October 5th, 2009 at 5:08 am
Lil' Woman says:
i’m pretty sure once you get the microphone, you’ll automatically be able to moonwalk and def. be able to afford wheelies….cause rich people can do and buy EVERYTHING. As far as followers and Patron. If you offer up bottles of Patron, I’m sure you’ll hit your 1000 mark!
GOOD LOGIC- get the microphone, pay someone to teach me to moonwalk, bribe everyone with patron. got it.
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October 5th, 2009 at 5:26 am
justjp says:
I need a new set of goals as well. I must go ponder this.
Let me know what you come up with.
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Marie says:
Are you sure you can’t moonwalk? Cause I really thought you could.
While drunk I seem to THINK I can, but I assure you my moonwalk is sub par.
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:14 am
MJ says:
My boyfriend and I thought it would be a good idea to buy those shoes with wheels. Long story short, I ended up with a busted tailbone after falling on my ass leaving a party and gave the shoes to friend’s daughter. She’s young and heals quickly.
HAHA. What happened to your boyfriend? Any injuries?
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Matt says:
I think HJ’s are like five bucks or something.
Also? good luck on the moonwalk. It’s alot harder than most people realize. I expect for you to have this goal accomplished by the time your wedding is here.
Can you moonwalk? If so we will have a moonwalk off because mine will be perfected by the time you get here.
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:19 am
erin says:
HA! love the list. if only i could set my mind to acheive half of these things… only then would i be a happy woman.
You can! Come on. This can be both of our lists.
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:20 am
M says:
Those wheelie sneakers are the devil. Worse than the shoes with the lights in the heels. Don’t die.
Although Jenn’s funeral party idea was a good Plan B.
OOOO i want shoes with lights in heels!!!
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Lemmonex says:
By the end of the night I’m gonna have you drunk and throwing up….
You know that’s my jam.
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October 5th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Late Night Drama Queen says:
I would like for you to have at least numbers 1 and 2 completed by the wedding. Kthanks.
I will try my best.
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October 5th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Ben says:
The day we meet will be the day we have an epic Heelie race that will go until one of us requires stitches.
So half a block or so.
Can we get adjacent hotel rooms?
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October 5th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Ed Adams says:
My 10 yr old and his friends are always trying to moonwalk.
I can’t believe that shit is back.
MJ is died people!
FYI: I am a moonwalking badass.
Moonwalking will NEVER be dead!
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October 5th, 2009 at 7:44 am
LiLu says:
You better sing me a song at our wedding with the T Pain microphone.
Obviously. That’s how I intend to woo you into bed.
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October 5th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Andrea says:
People who DON’T add stuff they’ve already done to their to-do list aren’t the kind of people I want to hang around. What’s the point of a to-do list if not to make yourself feel better with stuff you’ve already done?
Exactly. My whole point in life is to make myself feel better.
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Tweets that mention i hate so much… » Goals. -- Topsy.com says:
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by 304blogs. 304blogs said: Goals. http://bit.ly/kAKio [...]
October 5th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Kim says:
I always want to trip kids with those wheelies shoes. They look too cool for school to me.
I AM too cool for school.
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Lauren says:
wow. I need to re-think my goals.
yours are beyond awesome.
you can steal mine. they’re universal.
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:32 am
moooooog35 says:
Be careful what you wish for.
Michael Jackson used to be able to moonwalk, and then his face got all messed up and then he died.
I only tell you this because I care.
If I could dance like MJ, I’d take the death.
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Crissy says:
I would like to learn how to do the Roger Rabbit. Maybe we can find lessons somewhere.
We need to start an online school, obvy.
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Amanda says:
I have a friend who wants to take hop hop classes so as to have a cool wedding dance… she feels her robot can’t take them through the night.
The robot is a solid move, but I’ll agree with your friend– you gotta bring game to your own wedding!
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:42 am
GingerMandy says:
as your wedding gift… i will teach you how to moonwalk.
my house is basically all hardwood floors. it’s pretty much ALL I DO. life gets boring, ya know?
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October 5th, 2009 at 9:45 am
speakyourself says:
They’re Heelys and don’t do it! They are the worst invention ever. Not only do they cause lots of crashes because parents don’t control their kids and when they are allowed to skate, but they’re actually exceedingly bad for your heels and ankles. They should be called Injurys.
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October 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Alice says:
and once you learn to moonwalk, you can submit it here: http://www.eternalmoonwalk.com/
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October 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
nicopolitan says:
T-Pain goal solved: the way it works is you plug a microphone into a computer, and use something like this:
http://web.mit.edu/tbaran/www/autotalent.html
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October 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Carissajaded says:
Just so you know, hand jobs have really gone down in value during these hard economic times. But if you call it a massage with a happy ending, you can get at least 10 bucks a pop.
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October 5th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
RachelSmiles says:
i thoroughly enjoyed that list. i also think my life would exponentially more awesome if i had a t-pain mic. conference call would be so much more fun!
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October 5th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
dmb5_libra says:
i completely understand the t-pain thing. i wish everything was in autotune. seriously.
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October 5th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Kristin says:
I’d be most impressed with anyone who could moonwalk as I’m incapable.
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October 5th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
katelin says:
costco has patron for cheap…ish. well the smaller bottle. my dad bought me one and it was quite awesome i must say.
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October 5th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Amy --- Just A Titch says:
So, confession/goal: I am too stupid to figure out how to use the I Am T-Pain app on my iPhone. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!!?
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October 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Taylor says:
Aw, Maxie, you’re one of my favorite people EVER.
These goals are awesome.
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October 5th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Elizabeth Marie says:
Thank you for reminding why we are all here…the important things. God I love you.
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October 5th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Elizabeth Marie says:
p.s Patron as a wedding gift??
Thoughts, comments, concerns?
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October 5th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Jill Pilgrim says:
I set goals every morning in lieu of a to-do list. Its supposed to make my to-dos sounds more appealing.*
*I read a lot of self help books. Its a little sad.
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Jessica says:
These are awesome goals. How much does Patron cost? Damn. Oh and those wheely shoes scare me.
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October 5th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Meghan says:
Purchasing Patron should be #1. The rest will follow suit.
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October 5th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
lbluca77 says:
I bet after some shots of Patron the moonwalk would be much easier to learn.
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
AnnQ says:
“Shoesthatcauseinjuries” LOL…That was funny stuff! Love it!
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October 5th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Allie says:
Maybe a liger would help you to achieve your goals?
Check your email
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October 6th, 2009 at 12:48 am
K @ Blog Goggles says:
Stop being so ambitious. You make the rest of us feel like lazy twats.
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October 6th, 2009 at 7:17 am
andhari says:
That’s so T-Payyyneee to buy a bottle of patroooon! lol autotune, gotta love it! Jay-Z can suck it cuz i don’t think it’s dead yet!
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October 6th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Let’s Get Serious…or Something « Hold the Weak Sauce says:
[...] life-changing year? So, to help things along, I’m thinking of stealing ideas from Nicole and Maxie by making a list of things I want to do as a 25 year old. That way when it’s all over, I can [...]
October 6th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
tia says:
i fully support your goals.
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October 7th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Leanne says:
ORRR You’re 2 Months Early Suga
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October 11th, 2009 at 8:42 am
i hate so much… » i wrote this in 10 minutes because i just want to go to sleep says:
[...] of crazy, this morning i was thinking about resolutions and bullshit, and I remembered a certain post i wrote back in october with goals to complete before the end of the [...]
January 4th, 2010 at 5:12 am