There is something peculiar going on with my phone bill.
I can’t explain it, but every other month it’s 30 dollars higher than normal. I’ve looked on the bill. I’ve scoured it for random charges for fly ringtones and channing tatum wallpapers. Not like I’d ever spend money on those… AGAIN.
I call AT&T, and every time the same fucking thing happens.
ATT Idiot: … Can I have your cell phone number, address, mother’s maiden name, social security number, underwear color, favorite cereal (frosted flakes, if you were wondering), and number of centimeters between your big toe and index toe? (Now seems like a good time to protest the fact that our toes don’t have names like our fingers. Unless they do and I just don’t realize it. Let me live in the dark, please. I’m not sure I could cope with the fact that I’ve lived 24 years without knowing the universal names for my toes.)
Note: I’m allowed to call the customer service ATT lady an idiot because I once was an (excellent) Verizon customer service representative. It’s a shitty job, but not nearly as shitty as others. Customer service people, either cheer up, or get the fuck out.
Anyway. I answer all of the lady’s stupid questions and then this happens.
Me: My bill is astronomically (BALLER! HOLLA!) high this month. As it was 2 months ago. And 4 months before that. No, I never went into a store and changed my plan. No, I haven’t changed my plan on the website since January 2009. No, there’s no one else that could possibly make changes to this account.
ATT Idiot: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Let me research this. (Code for let me put you on hold and click around for a while and think about how much I hate my life)
ATT Idiot: (4 minutes later. Thanks for not refreshing my call, hooker.) I have no idea what’s going on. Let me just credit your account.
Me: For how much?
ATT Idiot: Ohhhh like 60 bucks or something.
Me: Sold.
Let’s do the math.
Normal Bill: 130.
Every other Month my bill says 160, but they credit me, making it 100. New average bill 115– 15 dollars less than it should be.
Yep, it’s still not worth having to call in every two months.
- Don’t forget to enter my Eden’s Fantasy Contest. You could win a $50 dollar gift card for anything on their site! Woo.
moooooog35 says:
The universal name for toes is: “ew.”
Now you know.
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November 12th, 2009 at 6:18 am
lemmonex says:
I still kind of want to know whats happening but that is just me. I am nosey.
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November 12th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Katie says:
I think pinky toe and big toe are all I know.
That rhymed.
You love it.
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November 12th, 2009 at 6:54 am
miss. chief says:
wow! you’re a genius!
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November 12th, 2009 at 7:39 am
flippy says:
did you just say “fly ringtones”?
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November 12th, 2009 at 7:59 am
k8 says:
I think I’d demand to know what was going on, but I’m bitchy like that.
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November 12th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Alice says:
that’s so weird. and totally not worth calling every other month, especially since i am FAR too lazy to actually do that regularly.
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November 12th, 2009 at 8:45 am
alexa - cleveland's a plum says:
wait. YOUR BILL IS 130 DOLLARS A MONTH?!?! what the hell do you do? call japan?
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November 12th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Marie says:
WTF?! That’s ridiculous, you shouldn’t have to call every two months to see what the hell is going on. Can you call again and demand a smarter idiot figures out what’s going on?
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Michelle says:
good for you getting one over on the idiots. i had a similar issue with my cable company. they mischarged/double charged me when the service was setup bc the person who created the order screwed up. it took them 6 months to finally correct the discrepancy without fucking up the rest of my bill… maybe one day you will locate the mystery charge and have the issue permanently corrected. until then, i hope you enjoy the extra money
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Ed Adams says:
F.Y.I.
They don’t credit you for “mysterious” calls to phone sex hotlines.
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Liebchen says:
I can’t stand calling in to customer service. I probably would have taken the credit, just to get off the phone.
That said, when I get good customer service, it’s such pleasant surprise, it puts me in a great mood.
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Jess says:
That’s still awesome. But why in the hell is your cell phone bill so high? That’s more than our bill, and we have two phones, one of which is a BlackBerry with a data plan.
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:38 am
brad says:
you’re on AT&T? we can call you for free?
expect to get more phone pranks.
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November 12th, 2009 at 11:41 am
LA Cochran says:
Index toe? Pointer toe? Stayed home toe? (as in This little piggy…)
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November 12th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Megkathleen says:
That’s amazing! Whenever I call to complain about stuff like that I just get a boring There’s nothing we can do about that. Man, I need to learn your tricks.
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November 12th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
katelin says:
i need at&t to pay my bill, just all of the time, that would be nice.
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November 12th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Jessica says:
Geez that sucks you have such trouble with AT&T. I’ve heard nothing but trouble with them. Insanity.
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November 12th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
tia says:
are we never going to follow up on the toe situation??
AM I THE ONLY ONE STILL WONDERING?
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November 12th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Ben says:
You lost me at ‘math’.
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November 13th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Susan says:
You are my hero. There’s nothing I hate more than bad customer service.
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November 15th, 2009 at 8:53 am
terra says:
I call my toes big toe, index toe, middle finger toe, toe-without-a-name, and little toe.
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November 17th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Kristin says:
I’m too lazy to call. How sad is that?
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November 18th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
amy says:
I need to learn some of your tricks for dealing with these people.
We phone pretty much every month because our bill is always wrong. We are very lucky if we get credit.
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November 25th, 2009 at 10:25 am