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Maxie, founder of ihatesomuch.com, is a 28-year-old lady living in Washington, DC, but originally hails from wild, wonderful West Virginia.

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things you shouldn’t say on a first date unless you want to come across as a crazy person

October 6, 2011

(Totally normal first date pictured above.)

we all get nervous on first dates, right? this results in what i like to fondly refer to as word vomit. the following list was compiled over several years, during a handful of first dates and a barrel full of “encounters” – let’s all bond over how awkward i am (and then you can share your own to make me feel better, of course):

  1. you wouldn’t believe the number of church parking lots i’ve had sex in.  (said right after someone told me they were catholic.)
  2. i love to be the one who gets to tell other people that someone famous has died. it’s just kind of fun.
  3. yea, we were hooking up for a while, but then i finally figured out that he was homeless.
  4. a surprisingly large number of guys have accidentally pooped on me.
  5. if you were hooking up with a girl and the condom broke, would you pay for the abortion? go halfsies at least?
  6. have you ever had sex with a guy? have you ever wanted to? (out of nowhere, for no logical reason)
  7. do you ever wonder what it would be like to poop in an adult diaper? (no, but really, have you? am i the only one who thinks about that?)

remind me, why am i single again?

OH HEY, have you read the advice column I posted on twenties hacker this week? you should probably do that now.


  1. Jennifer B says:

    Those are some pretty wackadoodle things to say on a first date, but I guarantee that there is a guy out there that will just laugh at them. I have a guy like that. I can talk about how I almost sharted and he gets the biggest kick out of it.

    Okay, now I’m wondering if that means he’s crazy or just perfect lol. Poo makes the world go ’round!


    October 6th, 2011 at 6:05 am

  2. Marie says:

    Those are awesome. This makes me want to go out with you on a first day just to see what you’ll say.


    October 6th, 2011 at 10:27 am

  3. Teacher Girl says:

    Oh man! I have very limited dating experience so I would probably be even more awkward.


    October 6th, 2011 at 1:28 pm

  4. cari says:

    I enjoy you. But yes, you’re the only one who thinks about the adult diaper.


    October 6th, 2011 at 1:41 pm

  5. Meghan says:

    I knew one girl who accidentally whispered her first name and the guy’s last name together. Sort of like the out loud version of doodling it in a notebook. She didn’t even realize she did it until the dude was like WHAT. THE. FUCK?!


    October 7th, 2011 at 5:43 pm

  6. terra says:

    And this is basically just a testament to how awesome you are. Some would say awkward, but those fuckers just can’t handle the awesome.


    October 8th, 2011 at 7:35 am

  7. Paula says:

    Love it.

    My best one was asking the guy if he enjoyed his pee when he came back from the loos.


    October 8th, 2011 at 9:42 am

  8. Lorraine says:

    Not to make anything worse but, “absolutely not” on the adult diaper thing. Nope.


    October 13th, 2011 at 10:32 am

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